Love is beautiful and kind, but it can also be difficult and stressful. With the right person, especially if they’re a friend first, love can also be comforting, safe, and enduring. I feel this daily in my own partnership.
Our ability to navigate love comes from an unshakable friendship. Starting a romantic relationship with my best friend was the riskiest thing I’ve ever done — and I’ve taken many risks. We revealed our feelings, hoping they’d be returned, or fearing they’d ruin our friendship. Through our ups and downs, we stay grounded by remembering that we are best friends first. This shapes how we communicate, interact, and share intimacy: always with honesty, directness, and respect.
As our love and friendship have evolved over the years, I’ve learned a few key lessons about why the best lovers are often friends first.
Loyalty is fundamental.
My partner was my friend for over 20 years before we started dating, so loyalty was already part of our bond. The essential the elements of loyalty – support, and fidelity – are vital in our relationship. I always have my partner’s back; we share an “us against the world” mentality, and I can’t fathom betraying his trust for fear of losing the friendship.
Love requires hard work, more so when it’s with a friend.
I consider my partner “my person,” and I work harder to maintain the relationship than I have before. Being with my friend showed me how little effort I gave to past loves. Love is active; you must work to love your partner, even on the tough days.
Friendship supports the relationship when romance is lacking.
Our friendship is the foundation of our relationship. When we argue—whether it’s minor or serious—I have to remind myself that they’re my friend first. This keeps conflict from destroying us.
How do I know I want to spend my life with this person? After decades of friendship and romantic love, I still show up every day willing to put in the work to keep us going.
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